October is Domestic Violence Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In New York, #DVAM 2020 is looking very different this year as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. However, that isn't stopping NY State and NY City's domestic violence programs from creating virtual awareness and fundraising events that everyone can participate in safely from the comfort of their own homes. Since the onset of the pandemic, domestic violence programs have encountered many obstacles and challenges to transition remotely and they need more funding and resources to help support their work.

What is Domestic Violence?

Physical abuse is probably what most people think of when they think about domestic violence, but it is just one of the many ways that your partner might try to gain power and control in your relationship. You may be a domestic violence victim if your current or former intimate partner does a variety of things to control you. This may happen very slowly, over a period of time. Or, it can happen very quickly after some sort of change in the relationship, such as marriage, divorce, pregnancy, moving in together or breaking up. Like many people, you may wonder if what is happening to you is domestic violence because your partner has never hit you.

Ways your partner may try to gain power and control over you include:

• Isolation – preventing or making it hard for you to see family and friends; telling you that family and friends cause problems in the relationship or are trying to “come between you.”
• Economic abuse – having complete control over the money; making you account for every penny you spend; taking your money from you; not letting you have a job or go to school.
• Verbal, emotional, psychological abuse – calling you names; putting you down or embarrassing you in front of other people; criticizing your abilities as a partner or parent.
• Intimidation – making you afraid with a look, action, or gesture; getting you to do something by reminding you about “what happened last time.”
• Coercion and threats – showing you a weapon and threatening to use it on you; threatening to “out” your sexual orientation to family, friends, or employers if you are gay or lesbian; threatening to harm your family, friends, or anyone you might go to for help; threatening to commit suicide and telling you it would be your fault.
• Physical abuse – pushing, grabbing, hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, strangling (choking)⁶, stabbing, burning, or shooting you.
• Sexual abuse – forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to; making you engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable; forcing you to engage in prostitution.
• Using children – undermining your authority with your children; threatening to take the children away from you by kidnapping or getting custody of them; “pumping” your children for information about you; trying to turn your children against you; threatening to harm the children if you try to leave or seek help.
• Minimizing, denying, blaming – making you think the abuse is your fault; saying the abuse was caused by stress, alcohol, or problems at work; denying that the abuse happened at all.
  

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Abuse is not always physical.  What does that mean?

These are some of the most common ways that abusers try to control their partners, but certainly not the only ones. If your partner does things that restrict your personal freedom or that make you afraid, you may be a victim of domestic violence.

You may also be victimized by a former partner, since they may know about and have access to your finances, your daily routines, your children, your online activity and passwords. This knowledge may allow them to threaten, control or stalk you even after the relationship has ended.

You are not alone. 

Millions of people are abused by their partners every year. But it is important to know that more resources are available now than ever before to help victims and their children.

Domestic violence and abuse can include:

• Hitting, slapping, kicking or using any other kind of physical violence against you
• Forcing you to have sex when you don't want to, or to do sexual things you don't want to do
• Threatening to hurt you, your children, or someone else you care about
• Constantly insulting and criticizing you
• Stalking, obsessively checking up on or otherwise trying to control your behavior

Facts:

• Someone in your life is experiencing domestic violence. You just don’t know it.

• Domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families and more than 80% of homeless mothers have experienced domestic violence.

• 42% of transgender people have experienced intimate partner violence.

• Domestic violence costs $8.3 billion in expenses annually.

• African American women are 2.5x more likely to experience domestic violence than women of other races.

• Women with disabilities are 40% more likely to experience intimate partner violence than women without disabilities.

• In 30-60% of families where adult domestic violence is present, child abuse is also present.

• Despite underreporting, domestic violence calls make up more than half of all calls to the police.

New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline

 1-800-942-6906 or Text to 844.997.2121 

NY CITY  Domestic Violence Support

NYC 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-621-HOPE

REMEMBER 

For Your Safety:

• Call 911 if you are in immediate danger and the police will respond.
• Seek treatment at a hospital emergency department if needed. Hospitals are open and a safe place to go for medical care.
• Add NYS resource info (above) under a fake contact name to avoid suspicion.
• Create a code word for friends and family that will tell them you need help.
• Know the areas in your home with a lock on the door.
• Prepare a go-bag with important documents, medication and extra clothing.
• Tell your family and friends where you will flee if you need to leave urgently.
• Talk with your children about safety so they have a sense of acceptable situations.
• Advocates are available to help you days, evenings and weekends.

Be an Ally: 

As an ally, you can provide information and resources to those in need. You can: share the state’s 24/7, free and confidential Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline number (1-800-942-6906); believe a friend or loved one and listen without judgment; encourage workplaces to adopt a policy to improve protections for victims; and support local domestic violence programs. For more ideas about how to be an ally, check out our new Ally card, which you can download directly from NYS' website.

• Listen without judgment.
• Support their decisions – they made their choices for a reason.
• Remind them that it's not their fault – there is no excuse for abuse.
• Let them know all services are still up and running – 911, shelters, healthcare
• Refer them to the services above – text, chat or call an advocate.
• Help them brainstorm other places they can stay.
• Remind them that they are not alone.
• Build on their strengths – they've survived.
• Talk about their options.
• Ask how you can help and what they need.
• Don't tell them what to do. It’s time they have control over their own life.
  

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NY STATE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HANDBOOK (click link)

This Handbook is intended to provide an overview of the services available to victims of domestic violence in New York State. The information included outlines the dynamics of domestic violence, the legal rights to which victims of domestic violence are entitled in New York State, the accessibility of domestic violence services, and safety planning.

NY STATE VIRTUAL EVENTS 

Visit the NYSCADV website calendar which contains virtual events hosted by domestic violence programs across NYS by clicking here. From virtual walk/runs to a virtual concert, our calendar has something for everyone.

Tweet to them @NYSOPDV for more info or show support. 

 NYC contact numbers

In NYC Survivors of domestic violence may receive temporary housing, emergency shelter and supportive services for themselves and their children. All programs provide a safe environment as well as counseling, advocacy and referral services.

If you or someone you know is experiencing this kind of behavior from a partner, please call New York City's 24 hour Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-621-HOPE.

• Community Based Domestic Violence Services
• NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project: 212-714-1141

• Barrier-Free Living (Disabled Clients): 212-533-4358

• Center Against Domestic Violence
• Day One
• STEPS to End Family Violence

More NYC Resources

Find information on other city resources from the Mayor's Office to End Domestic and Gender Based Violence.